As Americans consider ways to thank and help veterans of all generations, a Navy wife and war reporter suggests simply listening to them and caring about them means more than we can ever know, particularly those recently returning from combat and for their caregivers.
Kristin Henderson is also the communications director at the Yellow Ribbon Fund and is one of 40 contributors to “Stories around the Table: Laughter, Wisdom, and Strength in Military Life.” She says the book is an important window for non-military families into what life is like for those who serve and for their families and serves as an example of how to relate to those returning from the horrors of war.
“Stories are how we connect with each other and it’s also how we make sense of our experiences. It’s crucial on so many levels. On a personal level, when I tell you a story about what’s happened to me, and you listen, that’s deeply affirming that what happened to me matters. It also, in the process of telling the story, helps me make sense of the experience. For the listener, you learn. You get to walk a mile in the other person’s shoes,” said Henderson.
Not only does this sort of communication help families and neighbors connect, but on a wide scale helps the general public take an informed view of the national security challenges facing the nation.
“That’s so important because the military takes its orders from civilians and civilians need to understand the limits and possibilities on the military side. And the military side needs to stay connected to the civilians they serve,” said Henderson.
The affection of the vast majority of Americans for the nation’s veterans and active duty personnel is obvious and a welcome change from the scandalous treatment of veterans returning from Vietnam some 40 years ago. But despite the best of intentions, Henderson says people without a direct connection to the military often have no idea what those families go through.
“It’s hard for people to imagine, particularly for people on the home front, how that dominates your life when you have a loved one in a war zone. I remember during my husband’s first deployment to Iraq, I was visiting my sister and she was living in a completely civilian community, I was outside and ran into a neighbor. The neighbor said, ‘Oh, you have a husband in a war zone. Your husband’s in Iraq. What’s that like?’ Talking to her, I began to realize I was the closest thing to the military that she knew. She knew nobody else,” said Henderson.
She says there are some do’s and don’ts when it comes to having meaningful conversations with veterans and their families but the best thing you can do is provide a listening ear.
“If you just listen compassionately without judgment you really can’t go wrong. One of the big things people often ask returning veterans is, ‘Did you shoot anybody? Did you kill anybody?’ That’s always a no-no. Basically, if you’re interested and caring, you’ll be alright,” said Henderson.
Henderson says that approach works in the war theater as well as at home, In 2008, she embedded with U.S. Marines on a remote mountaintop in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province. She was struck by how glad the Marines were to see her interest in their story.
“We got up to the top and we spent about an hour up there and the Marines up there showed me around. There’s just half a dozen up there at a time. As we were leaving, one of the young Marines pulled me aside and said, ‘Ma’am, I just want to thank you for coming up here and seeing what we do. Not many people would do that,” said Henderson.
“When he said that to me, I was so moved and it made it all worthwhile to me as well. That’s essentially what you’re doing when you listen to other people’s stories without judgment and in a way that’s caring and in a way that tells them you think what happens to them matters, whatever your political opinions may be,” she said.
But understanding veterans and their challenges on the home front can also be difficult. Henderson’s husband, Frank, is a U.S. Navy chaplain who served in Iraq and Afghanistan. His final assignment was at the combat hospital at Kandahar Air Field. While there, he was tasked with preparing the bodies of Americans killed in combat for their journey home. When he returned to the U.S., it was a rocky couple of years as Henderson says her husband was still “numb” from the experience.
She says a neighbor jokingly shouted “boo” to surprise Frank, and his war zone instincts caused an intense reaction.
“It’s physically painful. The startle reflex comes from being in a war zone. You’re always on alert for danger and the brain literally gets locked open in that mode, that ready to fight or fight mode. So a lot of adrenaline gets released when you’re startled and it can be extremely painful. We’ll, when he had an extreme reaction to someone saying “boo” to him, they thought that was pretty funny and they laughed and laughed and said, ‘Good thing you weren’t carrying an AK-47.’ That’s what not to say,” she said.
As this was going on, Henderson and her husband spent one Fourth of July with service members recovering at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. In an essay for “Stories around the Table” entitled “Alive Day”, Henderson explains how they got into a huge fight on the way to the facility but being with others dealing with far more severe issues was deeply therapeutic for them.
“When we got there, we were focused on other people instead of ourselves. It was kind of the psychologically wounded helping the psychologically wounded, the blind leading the blind. When you reach our and help that way, when you volunteer with non-profits like the Yellow Ribbon Fund or Operation Homefront, which is benefiting from sales of this book, you help yourself as much as you help the people that you’re trying to help,” she said.
Henderson believes psychological wounds are often far more challenging than obvious physical wounds and makes reaching out to caregivers a critical mission as well
“Getting to know these families of the wounded and seeing how many sacrifices they make (leaves a tremendous impact). I mean these moms and wives primarily, they get that call that their loved one’s been injured. They drop everything. They rush to the hospital like Walter Reed. They may be there for weeks. They may be there for years if their loved one is gravely injured. They lose their job. They lose a huge amount of benefits and pay for years. They may be caring for children at the same time or they may or they may have to farm their kids out to other family members,” said Henderson.
“If I hadn’t worked there, I wouldn’t know those stories. So it’s really important to share those stories so that everybody knows,” she said.
